


Nirvana

by Panikeet



Category: The Transformers (IDW Generation One)
Genre: Anxiety Attacks, Canon-Typical Violence, Eventual Romance, Eventual Smut, FTM, FTM Reader, Hurt/Comfort, Jealousy, Love Triangles, M/M, POV switches a lot, Reader is doing his best, Reader-Insert, References to PTSD, Whirl Being Whirl, Yandere, Yandere drift, Yandere robots, eventual angst, reader is trans
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-10
Updated: 2017-06-10
Packaged: 2018-11-12 11:09:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,858
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11160639
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Panikeet/pseuds/Panikeet
Summary: All you want is a peaceful existence. All they want is you.





	1. Turbulence

You had to leave Earth.   
Years ago, that thought would have been inconceivable, but now it was very possible in the literal sense. That was not the case just roughly  around a decade ago, unless of course, it was a double entendre for suicide. In fact, that idea had been under consideration many times, but this alternative was much more appealing. All you really wanted was a peaceful existence, but situations within and beyond your control made it incredibly difficult for the universe to fulfill your lone wish.

For starters, there was a severe case of alien warfare that spread like a disease from Cybertron to various planets, Earth being a major outpost. A monumentally violent one at that. Now, war was common on Earth alone. We didn't need extraterrestrial interference to tear each other apart, we did that fine on our own. And frankly, you've never considered yourself a pacifist, thinking that preaching of world peace was unrealistic, but now you weren't so sure.

Your views were becoming more and more shaky by the day. You've never been opposed to violence before. You've been in plenty of fights and dealt some harsh damage. But you began lately to take a level in empathy and compassion, the thought of true sadism in others sending chills down your spine and the question "why?" echoing inside your head.

You respected war. You saw it as a necessary and honorable effort. The past tense on that became more prominent by the day. The more uninvolved people getting caught in crossfires you saw, and the more you yourself were put on the receiving end of pain, the more you saw it in a different light.

You no longer saw the beauty in pain. You no longer thought of making the most of all aspects of life, you simply saw the bad parts as what they were: bad.

And negative things have happened to you. Were they life and death? That was arguable. What wasn't arguable is that you needed to leave.

You tried again and again to forgive every wrongdoing of your... friend back on your home planet. They've had a few. But a person can only take so much from another. Unprovoked harassment and blackmailing for being transgender was not something you felt like forgiving.  
Not now, not ever.

So the day someone begins to threaten your safety, you decide you need to leave.   
You considered running away onto the streets, but you've tried that once in your life. You came back shaking and crying and with unshakable nightmares every other night of the terrible experience for years to come, and something you avoided talking about like the plague in therapy.

It took a while before you considered leaving Earth, but you had began to involve yourself with some space affiliated people. And Cybertronians. It took some planning to figure out your course of action, but you had it down to fine art by now.

You were going to fake your death and leave the planet stowed away on a teleporter.   
You deeply questioned the mechanics of it. What if it wasn't built for transporting organic material? What if there was no air and you suffocated? What if the Cybertronians killed you?  
To you and your muddled brain, it seemed worth it.

****

Sneaking in was a hell of a challenge, but it worked. You woke up. You were overjoyed. You actually woke up.  
You looked yourself over. Everything was intact, good. Plus, whatever you were inhaling was breathable.  
You looked around and was immediately filled with dread. You had packed a cart piled with duffel bags full of essentials, which now were quite obviously missing.

You swore you brought it with you! How could it just disappear? Did it not go through? What if it was left back on the teleporter in the base you snuck into? That's one way to give away your location, your identity, and your grand plan all at once.

That's when voices could be heard from the next room. Alright, so all of your shit has been stolen, no doubt. At least it wasn't left behind, right? That was what you were worried about before and it turned out to not be the case, so be happy! Worry about one thing at a time. Your plan and location haven't been figured out or else you would be waking up in an interrogation cell on homeworld.

Speakinh of which, where is this place? How do you know it's not Earth? You got up and tentatively looked around. The scale of the doors and interior made you feel like you were in a large, intergalactic dollhouse. Trippy.   
You poked your head out from the door of the dimly lit storage and subspace room and blinked to adjust to the considerably brighter hallway where a conversation echoed.

"Should we send it back? I highly doubt any of us ordered anything like this from Earth."  
"Maybe Swerve did?"  
"I swear he's so weird sometimes. What would he even do with any of this?"  
"You know he likes to collect."  
Your eyes focused and you found yourself looking up. Two Cybertronians. Two very tall Cybertronians at that. One had a fiery colored paintjob and the other had a color scheme that was bold still, (red and white? Eye catching.) but much more subtle still. You stood there stunned until they tampered with your belongings in a way you didn't particularly like.

"Um, hi!" You piped up, stepping forward. "Hi, sorry, I think that's mine." They exchanged looks and you shrunk back a bit, flinching as they approached you. You swore you felt the ground shake and you couldn't help but cower.   
"I-I need that. I'm sorry, I didn't plan on coming here, I didn't mean to stow away, I'm sorry! I'm sorry, I'll leave!" You began to panic, all confidence draining at the sheer size of these strange bots, your breathing faster and faster and you began curling up tighter and tighter.

"Hey woah, cool it little guy, it's alright. Hey, shh, you're fine, calm down." The orange and yellow mech gingerly brought a massive gold servo close to you. At the sight of it, you let out a hoarse squeak and covered your head, quivering and biting back a sob.

"It's alright you're safe." The bot accompanying him tried, scooping you up gently. You thrashed.  
"Put me down! Please, please, put me down!" You sobbed frantically. He looked horrified, at himself mostly, and hastily but carefully laid you on the floor. He exchanged worried glances at the other mech. This little human they found was terrified.

You put a hand on your bound chest and breathed raggedly, whimpering and wiping tears. You felt your heart hammering away like rapid fire bullets against a barrier.  
"I'm sorry," You blew out your cheeks in a deep huff and wiped your eyes and stood up on quaking weak knees. "I'm sorry, that was awful. Terrible introduction, I'm sorry. My name is (y/n). I'm really sorry f-for trespassing I know I probably shouldn't be here... Wherever here is and uh... Y'know... Um..." You trailed off, starting to feel your pulse in your throat again.

"Welcome to the Lost Light, I'm Captain Rodimus, and this is Drift," He grinned at you. "Don't worry about your introduction, waking up in a panic and nearly passing out is pretty standard procedure here."  
"Reassuring." You laughed lightly and wiped your eyes again, glancing at your sleeve before looking up at them with a weary smile.

"Captain, huh? Then I assume that we're uh, on some sort of ship." Your eyes widened. "Wo-woah wait a sec, are we in space?"   
"The final frontier." Rodimus grinned.   
"Are you sure it's alright that I'm here? I mean, it's your ship and it's your call so like, uh, if you want me to go I can um..." You furrowed your brow in worry. You hoped that your general idea, that you didn't mean to intrude, got across, but you silently begged him not to send you back.   
"You can drop me off at the next carbon based planet if you want." You said shyly as they started to whisper things to each other you couldn't hear.

"Hey (y/n)," Rodimus' smile was audible. You perked up and looked wide eyed at him.  
"Yeah?"   
"Do you want the tour now or later?" You stared up, confused and blinking slowly as if to adjust to his words before realisation dawned on you and a smile spread over your features.

****

"We are not keeping him."  
"I have to agree with Megatron. It feels... Irresponsible to let (y/n) stay."  
"How is this any different from Verity?"  
"Verity was a Wrecker."  
"And (y/n) is a Lost Lighter. As weird as that sounds. Whirl was right, we really should have picked a name for our crew. Point is, he's one of us now."  
"Rodimus, I'm serious, we have to take (y/n) back."   
"Too late, Drift is already showing him around."

****

"So, how is Earth these days? It's been a while since I was there." Drift smiled down at the human jogging beside him. (You insisted on walking.)  
"It's uh, pretty terrible if I'm being honest. I mean, its a wonderful place but, y'know, I didn't just leave because I got bored of the place." You said with a shrug.  
"I can sympathize. That's the reason many bots on board are travelling to begin with." Drift said thoughtfully.  
"So I guess I fit right in," You quipped. Drift raised his eyebrows, a bit surprised before he chuckled. "So where did you go on Earth?"  
"Japan." He said fondly.

"Oh, nice! I've always wanted to go there. I know people who have gone but I've never been there myself. I hear it's lovely." You reply.   
"It was," Drift affirmed with a nod, smiling at some image in his mind. "I enjoyed it there."  
"Ever think about going back?" You ask.

"Oh yes, one day." He nods. "I think the nostalgia would be pleasant. And there's a lot of bots who want to visit Earth, too."  
"Never in my life would I have thought my homeworld was a tourist destination for aliens." You chuckled. Drift seemed to find this very humorous. Throughout the duration of the conversation, you found it was exceedingly easy to make Drift laugh. You wondered if it was like this for everyone.

"I know you said you wanted to walk, but I think now you should really let me carry you. It's uh, its a little easy to get underfoot where we're going." He maintained cheerful even as he told you that wherever he was taking you was potentially life threatening to a creature of your size. You felt rightfully nervous and climbed into his offered servo without protest.

Drift walked through an overpass, no doubt a pair of open doors, into a place you didn't know why you were so surprised to see: a bar. A bar on a space ship. He sat right down at a table and set you onto the surface.  
"Are you ready to mingle?" You looked up at him incredulously. He beamed down in a way that almost looked like pride. As if he couldn't wait to show you off and watch you strike up tentative conversations with bots.

"Mingle? Now?" You couldn't deny that you were excited and overjoyed at the inclusion you were being shown. But what would you say? Were there any social rules you should be informed about? Drift tilted his head in anticipation. You took a deep breath and gave a thumbs up and a weak smile. He grinned back and put a servo, palm facing up, onto the table.

"Come on, there's someone who will throw a fit if he finds out I didn't introduce you to him first." He hummed, mirth in his voice. Your excitement only grew. You didn't know much about Drift except that he was a generally nice person and a fan of Japan, but you trusted him not to throw you into the clutches of some unhinged robot who would be far too happy to smear your guts on the wall.

Instead, and thankfully, he let you down on the bar counter.   
"Hey Swerve, want to give our newest crewmember a warm welcome?" Drift called over to a much smaller cybertronian that was noticeably stout in structure.  
"Yeah, sure! What's your poison, pal-" The laidback voice that sounded oddly familiar. (John Mulaney? Tom Kenny? One of the two. The first one.) You were greeted by a dropped jaw, an audible gasp and incoherent stuttering.   
"Hey there, I'm (y/n)! You're Swerve, right? Nice to meet you." You chuckled sheepishly as he paced in a tight circle, and, for lack of a better term, fanboying.

"I cannot believe this." Swerve managed to sputter out. "I cannot believe there is a real human on board. With us. On the Lost Light. And I'm awake. Am I awake? Drift pinch me." He shot out his stubby arm. You noticed there were only three fingers on his round servos. Something about that seemed both alien and strange and cartoonish and cute. Drift gave a low chuckle and gently pinched Swerve's arm.

"I'm awake! I'm awake? I can't believe this is real! I can't believe you're real!" His grin stretched his cheeks, which you had to contain an "aww" at how endearing that was.    
"Oh sorry, sorry, right! Yeah, I'm Swerve, this is my bar: Swerve's! This is incredible I'm sorry but wow I never thought I'd meet a human so soon! Or ever!" He squealed, earning from you something halfway between a giggle and a snort.

"Well, take care, Swerve. (y/n) and I have a pretty long tour ahead of us." Drift said, much to the disappointment of Swerve, and carefully swept you into his hand.  
"He seems nice." You cheerfully pointed out as you two left. You partially said so because it was true, and partially to break the slightly uncomfortable silence. You noticed Drift never put you down even as you two began to walk down the hall.   
"Swerve? Yes, he's a friend to many." Drift seemed to snap out of whatever haze he was in and assumed his positive attitude. You could sympathize, it was actually rather hard to catch you not totally  lost in thought.

"So where to next?" You piped up. Drift considered this.   
"I think the oil reservoir is closest. Sound good?"  
"Sounds great." You affirmed with an enthusiastic nod. Drift looked down at you, and for the first time, without fight or flight adrenaline blurring your memory, you took in the sight of Drift. You hoped you weren't staring.  
His cerulean eyes were huge. And so expressive too! His high cheekbones gave his face a bit of a narrow quality, and it paired well with  strong chin.

You forced your gaze away from him. That was a really weird move (y/n). You completely, unapologetically, flat out stared at him. Rude! ... Did he notice? You glanced at him again. To your surprise, he was staring right back at you. There was an odd look in his turquoise optics. It was a look teetering between the standard "you're an alien, I want to get a good look at you" look and something else. Something like "I like what I'm seeing". Maybe you were reading the signs wrong. Maybe you were just caught up in how attractive this cybertronian was that your brain was indulging you.

You silently hoped it wasn't the latter.

****

"Hey, shortie, did Drift just leave with what I thought he just left with?" The flier's single amber eye was trained on the door.   
"Nuh-uh, Whirl, you stay away from him." Swerve crossed his arms defensively.  
"Ooh, so it's a 'him'?" Whirl cocked his head in interest. "Where'd he head off to?"  
"S'none of your business." Swerve mumbled.

"Hey barkeep, we're gonna cross paths sooner or later. Do you want me investigating while my interest is innocent or track this little offword down when I can't contain my curiosity?" Whirl shoved his flaring yellow eye towards the minicon who squinted behind his visor, taking the mech's words into consideration.  
"... They took a right. Probably heading to the reservoir if I know my way around." Swerve sighed.  
"Cool." Whirl said simply and quick as can be, fled the scene, leaving the bartender wondering if that was the right move.

****

(y/n) gazed down at his reflection in the dark opaque liquid, fascinated. There was nobody here today, something Drift appreciated a lot more now than he would on a normal day. The sword wielding autobot watched the human, for lack of a better word, fondly. His curious movements and noticeable decent into relaxation made his spark swell. Especially when he laid down and closed his eyes, a content smile on his exhausted face.

Drift, in vain, attempted to pacify the urge to reach a servo out and gently stroke (y/n) soft looking (h/c) hair. His hand had just barely floated up from its spot in his lap when loud footsteps crashed into their direction. (y/n)'s eyes shot open and he looked around wildly, scrambling towards Drift's knee and frantically scanning the area. Drift cupped his servos around him and glared in the direction of the approaching stomps.

"Can I help you?" Drift sighed, sounding exasperated. (y/n) was just starting to relax.   
"Nah, but he can." It was Whirl, of all bots. Why? Because of course it was. It just happened to be one of the few mechs Drift truly and firmly disliked. Whirl shoved the flat of his head against Drift's forehead, staring directly down at the human who looked shocked upwards at the loud voice and massive yellow optic that was practically boring into him.

"What do you want, Whirl?" Drift pushed his head away like one would with a dog with a similar disregard of personal space.   
"You never introduced your little human friend to me." He sounded giddy. Giddy and kind of terrifying. "Hey meatball, I'm Whirl. Come on, shake my hand."   
Before Drift could stop him, (y/n) extended a shaky hand and cried out as Whirl snapped his claws right above it, making him recoil instinctively. The bot threw his head back in an ugly cackle. Drift scowled and opened his mouth to furiously reprimand him, but was cut off by another laugh, one he hadn't heard before.

(y/n) was doubled over in a fit of giggles.   
"O-oh," He said breathlessly between    laughs. "Oh my fu-uck you g-ot me oh my God that scared the utt-ter hell outta me." (y/n) covered his eyes, curled up on his back and snorting in laughter.  
"See sword bot? He thought it was funny." Whirl puffed out his chest. "Now if you'll excuse me-" He scooped up (y/n) in one claw and his wrist was promptly caught by Drift.

****

"Absolutely not." He said and snatched you from Whirl's claw. Whirl gave a low growl and his pincers snapped right above your ducked head.  
"H-hey! Can we not do this? I'm tiny and fragile and ya'll are about to- woah!- fuckin' kill me!" You protested loudly.   
"We're going home, (y/n)." Drift said firmly, more towards Whirl than you. You were about to point out that you had no clue where that would be, but you decided that Drift knew this and would explain on the way there.

You decided wherever this was it wasn't a place where Whirl could not follow.   
You watched him watch the one eyed mech with a scowl before he slowly set you down. He transformed and opened his driver seat door.  
"Get in, quickly, please." Drift urged and you hopped in, tucking yourself in place as his door shut quickly and he sped forward. You looked in his rear view mirror. Whirl was nowhere to be found.

"Who was that?" You asked finally after many moments of silent driving, the only sound the determined hum of the autobot's engine.  
"Someone we shouldn't trust... Its alright, you didn't know." You appreciated how patient Drift was with you, even though something about his coddling tone was patronizing. You nodded solemnly and stared out the window. You watched mechs standing in hallways and in glimpses of open doors fly past you. For many moments you were lost in the sight of it all. It was like visiting another part of the world and seeing tall buildings. Sure there were buildings back home, just like there were cybertronians walking around back on Earth, but being in another place was like seeing it all for the first time.

"Where are we going?" You asked.  
"Home, I said." Drift replied. You couldn't help but glare. It took you a while before your eyes went wide.  
He was taking you back to Earth.

****


	2. Solutions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You really are a ball of nerves, huh?

  
Before I could really reason with my actions, I slammed down his handle and kicked his door open. He let out a pained and moreso shocked gasp as I threw myself outside. Now, I don't really know the proper procedure for throwing yourself out of moving vehicles, its never really been at the top of my bucket list. But I land a lot better than I could have before I get up and take off running.

I hear Drift shout something at me but I ignore him. Fight or flight is once again blocking my sense of reason. All I know is that I have got to get the hell out of there and away from him. I've never been that quick a runner, but in the heat of the moment it feels like I'm leaving him in my dust. Moreso, it feels like I'm trying to outrun the T-rex from Jurassic Park. I turn the corner, retracing my steps and head into Swerve's. I dive under a booth and watch as Drift enters, looking around. He exchanges a few dismissive words with Swerve and keeps looking. When I think that he might have spotted me, I cover my mouth and press back as far as I can into the space under the booth.

He gives up on Swerve's and walks out, heading in the same direction as be was before he detoured into the bar. I sighed heavily in relief and went limp in my little crevice, waiting for my limbs to stop shaking and feeling like they were made of jelly before I army crawled out from my hiding place. As discretely as I could, I snuck away and made a dash in the other direction.

When my body finally decided that I was being an idiot for running this fast for this long, I was comanded to stop and take a breather. I looked around, one hand bracing against a wall and  the other feeling my heart hammering against my binder. I heard a door slide open and I feebly attempted to limp away, and twitched weakly against whatever hands were picking me up.  
"(y/n)? Why aren't you with Drift? And woah, are you okay? You look like you've ran laps around the ship." Rodimus gave a concerned but good natured half smile as I dragged myself onto one of his digits, heaving.

I weakly held up a finger, shutting my eyes and wheezing.  
"Drif... Drift... Trying to... Get rid of me... Because... Whirl... I don't know, he... He just... Got closer than Drift wanted and... Guhhh... Fuck..." I groaned, feeling my pulse pound in my head.   
"What? Why would he try to get rid of you?" Rodimus questioned. "You two were getting along I heard!"  
"I don't know. I don't know, he said he was taking me home and I left Earth for a reason and... And I don't wanna go back. I panicked, okay? I panicked and I left and eughh my head is pounding." I rambled and clutched my skull.

"That's why you left?" Rodimus asked, mirth in his voice. He sounded like he was trying hard not to laugh. I looked up at him.  
"What's so funny?" I whimpered.  
"(y/n) you really are a ball of nerves huh?"  
"Nerves and muscle and bones and other things."  
"(y/n), when Drift said he was taking you home I think he meant to his habitation suite. He called earlier today asking if it was alright that you bunked in his room." I stared. I don't even care how dumb I looked, or felt, I flat out stared with my jaw hitting the floor while Rodimus burst out laughing.

****

Drift frantically searched every inch of the Lost Light. How could he have been so irresponsible!? He lost the human! He lost (y/n)! Where could he have possibly gone? The answer to that, regrettably, was anywhere. He could be absolutely anywhere. Was it time he finally told Rodimus? No, no it was fine he's find him and they wouldn't speak of it. Only, they would have to. What made (y/n) suddenly take off? Was it something Drift had said? Was it really that bad to make him throw himself out of a moving car? Maybe it had something to do with Whirl. Drift scowled at the thought of the helicopter. When Drift found (y/n), if he had even a tear on that cute little sweater he was wearing, he was going to sheath his sword right in Whirl's cockpit.

That's when he got a ping from Rodimus.  
<<Found someone who I think wants to clear up some misunderstandings>>  
Drift hurried over to the Captain's office. That was either (y/n) or Whirl... Or some mech from his past millions upon millions of years ago wanting to settle an old score.   
Thankfully, it was option 1.

If humans had tails, (y/n)'s would be tucked far between his legs. He slouched in shame and averted eye contact. Through millions of years of war and crimes, Drift had never seen someone look so guilty. He almost wanted to chuckle, and when he looked at the captain, he was having a hard time not doing so.  
"Tell him what you told me." Rodimus nudged him, beaming. (y/n) covered his face and whined. Drift could tell his face was as red as his paint trim. He mumbled something.  
"Sorry, what was that?" Drift was now audibly grinning. He glanced at Rodimus who was shaking with laugher, a servo muffling over his mouth.

"I thought that when you said you were taking me home you meant back to homeworld, a-and I got scared and before I could really reason with myself I just, I don't know? I just acted? I'm sorry I caused trouble."

****

Ok. Ok, they're laughing at you. That sucks because now you're freaking mortified but it's also a good thing! When was the last time someone laughed at you like this and turned around and gave you bad news? Still...  
Still, you were afraid.   
'Now I've done it. Now they're really gonna throw me out. I've started so much shit and I just got here." You let out another groan.

"Okay," Drift said between chuckles. He cleared his throat. "Okay, now are you ready to go home?"   
"Not Earth right...?" You timidly piped up.  
"Not Earth." Drift reassured you with a nod and a patient smile. He transformed and opened his door. You looked up at Rodimus, who gave you a thumbs up and began to walk away, leaving you to turn around back at Drift and gulp, gingerly sitting in the drivers seat and closing the door behind you.

Drift began to drive, and it didn't take long for words to begin itching in the back of your throat.  
"Thanks for being so patient with me. I'm really sorry I jumped to conclusions. You really don't have to let me stay with you, and I'm sure you don't want to anymore. I'm sure you regret whatever you said to the captain and I'm sure I'm just a nuisance to you now. You really deserve better than to be stuck with me. We just met and you already know I'm annoying. And I know you're super kind and handsome and really really nice and you're pretty and I'm sorry that you had to meet me" got translated into a short, near silent  
"Thank you."

The rest of the message seemed to get across too, though, because you felt Drift slow down and you glanced up, seeing your miserable face in his rear view mirror. You closed your eyes and leaned against the window, a deep sigh fogging up the glass only for it to dissipate.   
You don't remember if he said anything in return, if he did, you don't remember if you heard it or not.

"You don't need to thank me." Is what Drift said, but it was barely audible to begin with and the fact that (y/n) was on the verge of passing out didn't help his words be heard. He was a bit thankful for it.  
If he wanted to, he could have said what was really on his mind.


End file.
